After growing up in a family of seven children in Birmingham, Spelling met her first serious partner, a man, when she was at university. She married him in her late 20s, had two children in her early 30s, "and once I'd got that maternal part of my life out of the way, I suddenly started thinking about me again. I used to lie on the couch and my eyes would fill with tears as they had their naps. There are life-course transitions that are beyond our control. From the start of the relationship, she felt completely at ease, although she didn't immediately define herself as a lesbian. I think a lot of women, late in life, when they're no longer worried about raising the kids, and when they're looking back on their marriage and how satisfying it is, find an opportunity to take a second look at what they want and feel like.

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And then I went to a gay women's group, and I said, how many of you have ever felt the same? Strock decided to interview other married women who had fallen in love with women, "putting up fliers in theatres and bookstores. I think the culture tends to lump together change and choice, as if they're the same phenomenon, but they're not. Puberty involves a heck of a lot of change, but you don't choose it. Cynthia Nixon , for instance, who plays Miranda in Sex and the City, was in a heterosexual relationship for 15 years, and had two children, before falling for her current partner, Christine Marinoni, in Last year, it was reported that the British singer Alison Goldfrapp , who is in her mids, had started a relationship with film editor Lisa Gunning. And very few raise their hands. It's really hard for people to accept. I'm in love with this woman. It wasn't that they'd been repressing their true selves before; it was that without the context of an actual relationship, the little glimmers of occasional fantasies or feelings just weren't that significant. At their civil partnership earlier this year the pair beamed for the cameras in beautiful, custom-made Antonio Berardi dresses. It was a decision to leave a particularly oppressive and restrictive way of living and try to live differently. I have definitely heard some women say, 'It was the person I fell in love with, it wasn't the person's gender,' and I think that that is much more of a female experience than a male experience. She also started to realise that her experience wasn't unusual. Increasingly researchers are questioning this, and investigating whether sexuality is more fluid and shifting than is often suspected. It was not a conscious choice. They were together for 12 years, in which time they were "fully on, sexually," she says, although she adds that she has never had an orgasm with a man through penetrative sex. Then, one day, sitting opposite her best friend, she realised: The intensity of feeling in my relationship with Jeff overcame and blanketed my desires for women. We're an anti-ageing society. You don't suddenly switch away from it. She was coming home from work for what she thought would be the last time, and she passed a bookstore, and they were putting my book in the window, and when she realised that she wasn't the only one, she chose to live". The women she chose at the start of the study had all experienced some same-sex attraction — although in some cases only fleetingly — and every two years or so she has recorded how they describe themselves: We had lots in common, and eventually I realised I didn't have that with men. The actor Portia de Rossi was married to a man before coming out and falling in love with the comedian and talkshow host, Ellen DeGeneres , whom she married in And she had decided that the best thing was to kill herself on a night when she knew her husband and children were going to be out late. She also wanted to explore the notion, she writes, that "a heterosexual woman might make a full transition to a singular lesbian identity.

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